I’m going to try to write this calmly, pushing back the decades of pain, disappointment, failure, shame, madness…
Mr Wonderful is a person made in the image of God. God wired him with a personality that is exactly opposite to mine- but not a flawed or sinful personality. (We both sin, everyone does, but that’s another story.) Mr. Wonderful was brought up in a different culture, and taught different values. Some of those values are godly, some are not. Some of the values taught by the culture I grew up in are godly, some are not.
Now Mr w and I are married. We can glorify God by our marriage; we can be the image of Christ and His church. He can lead, I can submit- but seriously, it would even glorify God more if we worked together instead of ignoring each other or fighting.
That (working together) is not what’s happening. In fact, we are digging into our own corners deeper and deeper. I don’t think counseling is helping. Frankly, I’ve given up every hope that mr w is going to change. I don’t mean change personalities: I have a lot of growing to do in accepting his personality and even enjoying it. I mean change the ungodly values and live godly values.
This month, I’d love to see mr w admit that Christopher is toxic to our marriage, that my husband is choosing to court Christopher instead of confront him about his attacks on me. Mr w won’t even admit that he told me Christopher told him, “Maybe you need to knock her around a little and show her who’s boss.” He doesn’t remember ever hearing Christopher say that, even though 1.mr w is the one who told me and 2. I have brought it up to mr w on at least 3 occasions since. Basically, another instance of choosing Kentucky family over our family and Kentucky values over godly values.
This month, I’d love to see that happen, but since mr w doesn’t want to hear what I would love, it’s not going to happen. He’s going to keep phoning Christopher from work and FB-messaging Christopher and letting the poisonous attitude about me creep further and further into his heart. It won’t stop there: there will be more and more relationships that he will have to keep separate from me because the other person thinks I’m trash.
I am in a marriage where mr w is not even trying to put away ungodliness. I think the best I can hope for is to get him to admit we work best as a business team and drop the counseling. Then I have to start training myself to put a wall up when church people insist we should be working on our marriage, and to block my own desire for a husband instead of a business partner.
I want to be a better person, so I will start training myself to enjoy the stories mr w brings home about the people he meets. It’s certainly a way I can keep being introverted and ‘meet’ people without leaving my own securities, so hearing about them through his stories could be a blessing to me.
What I really want to do is take the money and run. (Cue Steve Miller Band.)
Mr w tried to reason with me when I told him I want to leave. “Think of the heritage you’ll be giving the kids” was his argument. Dude, that’s your motivation, not mine- and you don’t even see that.
But later I got to thinking about my mom, who left my dad. When my mom died, she had a great reputation with the people she did business with and had never been in trouble with the law; she was a model US citizen. She had great relationships with 7 of her 8 sisters, almost all of her 60 nieces and nephews, and both her kids. She left a lump sum for me and my sister and enough for each of her 5 grandkids to pay for their first year of college. Plus she gave her car to #1, who is still driving it today. And she put together ALL of that AFTER she left my dad. Except for not knowing the Lord (although she may have gotten saved on her deathbed, I don’t know), she was inspirational.
If your argument is, “Don’t leave the marriage, think of the heritage you’ll leave”, you are barking up the wrong tree.